Myself, Alone
by Astralis
Summary: A prequel of sorts of 'Building Castles'. Grissom POV. NS.


MYSELF, ALONE  
  
Disclaimer: Insert standard disclaimer here  
  
A/N: A prequel of some kind to 'Building Castles'; a belated attempt to explore some things that didn't make it into that story that I feel should have been there in some way. Grissom POV.  
  
***  
  
I look up in surprise as there is a soft knock on the door. It opens before I say 'come in', but come in they do: Sara, clutching several pieces of paper, and Nick. Neither of them is good at acting - they give off a nervousness which they don't think I see. I may not know how to respond to people, but I do notice the myriad of emotions displayed by people I know. "Sit down," I say.  
  
They don't. They just stand there, close enough to touch each other yet keeping their distance. Curious.   
  
"Grissom." Sara's voice falters. She isn't looking at me, or at Nick, rather, she is looking at the floor.  
  
"Is something wrong, Sara?" I ask. I don't look at Nick either. I stare at Sara like she is a scientific oddity, as I have done so many times before. It allows me to observe every nuance of her expressions without revealing my own feelings. I have known Sara since she was in college; I have had a long time to perfect this technique.  
  
"I - uh - " Her voice trails off again. She darts a look at Nick, who is also gazing at her. He looks concerned. Their eyes meet. He smiles gently. She does not. She looks at me instead, forcing herself to hold my gaze. "I need to file an application for maternity leave." The words come out in a rush, like air from a balloon.  
  
They are both looking at me. I know my inscrutable expression has failed me, now, when I need it more than ever. "You're pregnant," is all I can think of to say. It is not a question, but Sara answers anyway. "Yes."  
  
She unfolds one of the pieces of paper and slides it across my desk. My eyes take in "APPLICATION FOR MATERNITY LEAVE: Sara Sidle." I do not read the rest. Not now. I will read it when I'm alone.  
  
There is silence in my office. I look into the distance, trying to collect myself and my thoughts. Sara is inspecting the floor again. Nick is gazing somewhere over my left shoulder. We are all uncomfortable with the situation.   
  
Nick confirms what I have been thinking when he finally speaks. "Grissom."   
  
I bring myself to focus on him, forcing myself not to look at Sara's stomach to see if she is showing.  
  
Nick swallows. "It's my baby."  
  
I nod. Everything I have been hoping for, ever since I saw the dead body of Debbie Marlin, and, if I am honest with myself, even before, is collapsing around me.   
  
I always believed she would be there.  
  
Sara is still staring at the floor. Nick takes the remaining papers out of her hands and gives them to me. She acknowledges his action with a split-second glance. She does not look happy.  
  
I unfold first one paper, then the other. One is Nick's application for leave, presumably around the time the baby is due. The other is a change of address form. Sara lists a new address and phone number that are familiar to me. "Sara has moved in with me," Nick informs me quietly. He puts his hand on Sara's back, between her shoulder blades. The gesture seems to me possessive, but Sara seems to relax. She looks up from the floor but her eyes do not meet mine. They meet Nick's, and she smiles. I realise she has been smiling more lately. I had hoped those smiles were for me.  
  
"Please - don't - tell anyone," Sara says. "Not yet. We'll tell them - when we're ready." She speaks with pauses between her words. "My - uh - obstetrician - says I can keeping working in the field until I get too big to - do the job properly - as long as I'm sensible."  
  
Nick slides his hand down her back and wraps his arm around her waist. It seems an unconscious gesture. "She just has to eat and sleep properly and not max out on overtime."  
  
So she'll have to look after herself. I worry, sometimes, about the way she leads her life.   
  
It seems I am expected to say something. "All right." There are so many things, as their supervisor, that I should be saying. I cannot latch onto anything, not even the social niceties demanded by the situation.   
  
They both look at me, but I am unable to say anything more. I watch them leave. As the door opens a burst of noise from the busy corridor outside assaults my ears. Nick removes his arm and they pass out into the corridor, the door closing behind them, shutting the sound out and leaving me alone in silence.  
  
I drop my head onto my desk - specifically, onto Nick's application for leave.  
  
I have lost her.  
  
***  
  
A month goes by and there is no official announcement of Sara's pregnancy. I try to act normally around them both, but I cannot, instead shutting myself off from everyone.  
  
I wonder how the others can not notice the signs of a new life growing inside Sara. It seems obvious to me - a change in her behaviour patterns, half-hid nausea, Nick's increased protectiveness towards her. I watch Catherine for signs that she has noticed, but she does not seem to have realised.  
  
The day comes when I walk into the break room for the customary task of assignments. Sara, Nick, Warrick and Catherine are all there. Greg is there too, and I go to ask him why he's not in his lab, when a look from Sara stops me and I take a seat. All eyes turn to me as they wait for their assignments, but Nick's is the voice that breaks the sudden silence.  
  
"I guess some of you are wondering what's going on," he says. "Why I asked Greg to come. It's because I have something to say that I wanted you all to hear first hand, instead of over the rumour mill. I asked Brass as well, but he had to be at a scene." Nick is now the center of attention. I can tell he has rehearsed this speech, but that he has not yet got to the hard part. "Sara and I - " he says, and pauses. She looks at him, sympathetically, but I can see she is nervous. Warrick, Greg and Catherine look from Nick to Sara. She stares at her lap. Their eyes swivel back to Nick as he begins to speak again. "We'll be having a baby in January." Less than six months away.  
  
There is silence again. Nick holds one of Sara's hands in both of his. Greg's mouth is open. Warrick and Catherine wear expressions of surprised hurt.  
  
Catherine is the first to speak. I can count on her for that. She is, after all, the 'people person'. "Wow," she says. "I, well, congratulations."  
  
"Thanks." Sara smiles at her, and for the first time I really see in her eyes some of the joy one associates with pregnant women.  
  
Greg closes his mouth with difficulty. "So - you two - " He seems unable to form a sentence, rather like me that day in my office.  
  
"We're seeing each other, yes," Nick says with some pride. I don't think he means to hurt me, but his words pierce through my armour. Catherine is looking at me. She knows me too well.   
  
"Living together," Sara corrects him softly. I see a flash of understanding pass between them. I'm not sure whether they love each other yet, but I know they will.  
  
"Congratulations," says Warrick quietly. He is looking at Nick. I know they will need time to talk, so I change my mental distribution of assignments and plow straight into it. I have my own case to wrap up here, luckily. I will not have to tag along with any of my colleagues. I give Warrick and Nick the 419 at the Monaco which I had planned to give Nick and Catherine, and send Sara and Catherine to investigate a hit and run in Henderson. I watch them file out the door.   
  
I have nothing to say, not even to myself.  
  
***  
  
Catherine shows up in my office at the end of shift. I have been expecting her.   
  
"Well," she says, slipping into a chair opposite me. "That was a bit of a bombshell."   
  
"Did you not notice?" I ask her, fiddling with a pen.  
  
"It crossed my mind, briefly, a couple of times, but I always just dismissed it. I never seriously thought she was actually pregnant."  
  
"Well, she is." The bitterness in my voice startles even me.  
  
"She gave up on you, huh?" Catherine's voice is more sympathetic than I deserve.  
  
"And fell into bed with Nick Stokes."  
  
"I don't think that's quite how it happened."  
  
"Did you two talk about it?"  
  
"Is that why you put me with her? Female bonding?"  
  
"No. I thought Nick needed to explain to Warrick why he never told him he's been living with Sara, who is pregnant with his child."  
  
Catherine is silent, studying me. "Fair enough. And yes, we talked about it. She didn't mean for any of it to happen, but it did, and I think she's happy."  
  
"You think she's happy." I know it's childish, but I throw the pen across the room.  
  
"She's happier now than she's been for a while." Catherine does not point out the fact that I was the cause of a lot of that unhappiness. "You don't approve, do you?"  
  
I choose my words carefully. "I met Sara at the lowest point of her life." I want to explain what she was like, but I can't do that without revealing what happened to her. Catherine suspects, she has told me of her suspicions, but I have never let on that I know the truth. I will never let on. I owe Sara that, at least.  
  
I wonder if Nick knows.  
  
I go on before I can dwell on that thought. "I want her to be happy."  
  
"Nick can make her happy. He's a decent guy. And he really cares about her."  
  
"I love her." I have never admitted this to anyone.  
  
"It's too late for that, Gil. She's moved on. If you'd told her a year ago, maybe everything would be different. But she's with Nick now and there's nothing you can do." Catherine's tone changes. "Sara says you didn't even congratulate her."  
  
"I couldn't."  
  
"No. That would be a bit too much, wouldn't it?" Catherine stands up and leaves without another word. It seems like I am always watching people leave. They head elsewhere while I just sit in the same place.  
  
Perhaps it is a metaphor for my life. 


End file.
